Friday, January 17, 2020, was tragic for my family. My children went into the living room and noticed that our bunny Rosie was not moving. My daughter, Khloe, screamed out her name multiple times. I ran into the living room to comfort her; I was in tears as I watched my daughter breakdown. I knew, deep down, this was tough on all my children, especially Khloe. Rosie was a part of our family for two wonderful years. I kept asking myself what went wrong and how did this happen?
We were all devastated. As a parent, it’s hard enough to pass on the news to your child(ren) that their pet has died, but how to you support them when they witness their pet’s passing? What do you say when they wake up thinking they are going to see, play, and enjoy their pet’s presence, and come to realize their pet is no longer with them?
Children typically begin to grasp death around the age of four.
Many parents don’t realize how traumatic and confusing death can be on a child, no matter if it’s grieving over a pet or someone special. Although most children tend to grieve for shorter periods, others may grieve for longer, but that doesn’t mean their grief is less intense than what adults experience.
Fred Rogers said, “When I was little my best friend was a brown, wire-haired mongrel named Mitzi. When she died, I was very sad, and so were my parents. They encouraged me to talk about how I felt, and they let me know that grieving was a natural, healing thing to do. It’s okay to cry when somebody you love dies, every loss takes time to understand.”
How do you support your children when their pet has passed away? With love.
It’s devastating when pets die in tragic and unexpected ways. Every child reacts differently to the death of a pet depending on age and their development. As parents, it’s important to help them along the way with the process of grief, with a pet just as with a loved one. Be aware that this can take a while, so be patient and gentle.
We might feel guilty and ask ourselves piles of questions about what we’ve done and what we could have done differently. Guilty questions can be overwhelming, but it’s important as parents to not continue those thoughts and to stay positive for their children.
Sometimes, parents may feel uncomfortable talking about the loss of a pet, especially if their child has never experienced losing anyone. Although my daughter had experienced loss before, I still had to wade through some guilt: the first thing that came to my mind was, what did we do wrong? I felt guilty even though, deep down, I knew I did nothing wrong.
Here are some ways I supported my youngest daughter when Rosie died.
Work through Their Grief
This was our first pet’s death, so I encouraged my daughter to express her feelings, share her thoughts, and talk them out. In loving memory of Rosie, we painted portraits.
Comfort your children with lots of love and hugs and listen to them when they want to talk. Turning to activities for your child and the whole family can also help with the grieving process.
Hold a Ceremony or Memorial
I allowed my children to decide on a memorial for Rosie. We wrote a special poem/message, created a collage of photos, and bought artificial flowers—my daughter’s choice, because they will never die—to prepare for the event. The kids decided on cremation and picked out a bunny urn.
It's important to say goodbye following the loss of a pet; a memorial for your lost pet can be an intimate occasion for family members and friends. How you go about this is a personal choice and decision that must be made between the parent and child(ren).
Create a Treasured Keepsake
I gifted each of my children with a memorial bracelet and bunny necklace to symbolize our pet.
Creating a special keepsake will help your child(ren) work through the grieving process while remembering their pet and keeping that memory close. Sympathy gifts are designed to bring comfort to children or teenagers who are grieving.
Provide Resources
After Rosie died, we read books and watched movies and television shows that dealt with the grieving process. Reading related books, watching movies, and listening to podcasts can help with the grieving process as well because they help children feel less alone and get a better understanding of what's going on. Grief is a healing process, and they can see that there are others who are feeling the same things.
Books We Read
“When a Pet Dies” (A part of Mr. Roger’s First Experience series, which gently speaks to children about the sadness of losing a pet.)
“When Families Grieve” (Sesame Street): https://sesamestreetincommunities.org/topics/grief/
Movies We Watched
A Dog’s Journey: A dog named Bailey prepares to leave this life for a new one, taking adventures through many lives filled with love, friendship, and devotion.
All Dogs Go to Heaven: Charlie the dog sneaks down to Earth from heaven to befriend a young girl who can talk to animals.
Continue to comfort your children as they grieve for their pets, because losing an important part of the family is never easy. Thanks to Nine PBS and Sesame Street in Communities “Helping Kids Grieve Kit” I was able to talk, listen, and connect with my children about their feelings, allowing them to express their emotions, and answer questions when they were ready to talk.
Coping with a death of a loved one can bring up difficult feelings for both child and parent. My kids and I recently experienced the loss of a close loved one. There were complex emotions, different behaviors, and a sense of numbness. Experiencing the death of our pet in 2020 gave me the confidence to have these conversations again with my children when grieving. Having the tools and resources will ease every parents’ mind and help navigate difficult situations.
Please feel free to contact me and share your tips on children’s grief.
RIP, Rosie, 1/17/2020
Please feel free to contact me and share your tips on children’s grief.
Fatama Moorer, Parent Engagement Manager, Nine PBS
Office: (314) 512-9020
Cell: (314) 332-9613
Email: fmoorer@ninepbs.org
About Fatama
Fatama engages parents and partners in Nine PBS’s early education resources in child development for families in need. In addition, she creates early learning content, serves as a community-based intermediary for families, facilitates and coordinates Ready to Learn (RTL) experiences, and provides partner training. Previously, Fatama served her community by providing families with a community wellness shop. She has served on the Parent Advisory Board of Saint Louis Crisis Nursery, the FLOURISH Community Leader’s Cabinet, and the Generate Health Board. She holds several certificates in early learning, including Early Warning Signs of Learning Disabilities, the PBS Virtual Professional Learning Series, and Parent Advocacy. She loves hiking, yoga, and spending time with her kids.